


But I Do

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 14:29:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8582053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: A snapshot of Barbara Havers' life before "A Great Deliverance" and DI Thomas 'Tommy' Lynley





	

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended

Mum was finally in bed. She had spent over an hour looking for Terry, and it had then taken me another hour to settle her. Dad had spent the day in bed, so at least I hadn’t had to virtually carry him up the stairs as I usually did. By the time I sat down it was too late to call for a takeaway, not that I had any appetite anyway.

It had been another difficult day at work. The inspector that I had been partnering had gone to Webberley and told him that I was impossible to work with. I didn’t care, except that I really did. I loved being a police officer, and I had worked bloody hard to be one; it was all that I had ever wanted to do.

I knew that I was difficult; I had no time for people who had floated through life with everything being handed to them on a plate, and then looked down their noses at me as if I was stupid because I wasn’t a fast track graduate. I resented how I would be the one who would do the graft and they would take all of the glory.

I hadn’t always been so bitter. When I was at school I had been a normal teenager, whatever one of those was. I had friends, a social life, even the odd date or two; but then Terry got ill, and my time was spent going to the hospital and trying to keep my family together.

That was a waste of time.

Terry died, and my family died with it. Dad’s health worsened, he was on oxygen pretty much 24/7, and Mum retreated into herself; each of them blaming the other for not noticing how ill Terry was until it was too late; and blaming me for living when he hadn’t. I spent my time resenting them resenting me, and being the parent to them both, as well as going to night school in order to get the qualifications I needed to join the force. I didn’t have time for anything else; friends drifted away, dates became a distant memory, as did sleep. I was exhausted all the time.

It was a special day when I graduated from Hendon College; but I had no one there to see me and be proud of me. I watched as my fellow graduates were congratulated by friends and family, and something in me broke. As soon as I could I made my escape, finding the bonhomie too much to bear.

And that was the way my life continued; no friends, no sleep, no fun, no social life. I went to work, I came home, I looked after my parents, and then I did it all again, and again, and again. There was never any respite; but every day I broke just a little bit more. Was it any wonder I hated everybody?

But I didn’t.

When colleagues discussed their weekends, or their plans for the evening, I would look on with jealous eyes. They had learnt not to invite me; there were only so many times they would risk getting their heads bitten off before they stopped making the effort. I didn’t want their sympathy. No one knew what my life was like, I didn’t want them to; so, if they thought that I was rude and unapproachable, well that suited me fine.

Who am I fooling?

I want a life; friends, a partner who loves me, children, a social life. I want people to look at me and see that I am damaged and broken. I want someone to hold out a hand to me; to guide me back onto the path, to lead me into the light, to help me find the real world again and not the one that I am currently stuck in. That isn’t going to happen.

I have a meeting with Webberley tomorrow; and I expect that I will be given my marching orders. There can’t be anyone left for him to partner me with; my reputation precedes me, and I have only myself to blame.


End file.
